February 16th 2016.

My mom’s 1st Death Anniversary. One year full of rollercoaster ride. One fateful year that I have learn so much from everyone that’s around me.

From my Friends, to my Enemy.

I gathered all of my courage to go to her grave, not knowing what I will do or say to her. When I arrive, I was lost, I forgot where her grave was located. It’s my first time coming back since her funeral.

When I finally found it, waves of emotions come crashing. My mom’s graveyard is not in a good condition. I was sad and angry, I don’t know what to do. I pull out my pocket knife and begin to clean the weeds from her grave, I did everything I could. I pull the weeds with my bare hands until my hands full of scratches but I don’t care, I just wanted her to be pretty.

I spend quite a time to clean her grave, I bought some beautiful red flowers. Poppy is her favorite flower. I also started to decorate her grave with poppies as i start to talk to her.

I told her “Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I was afraid facing you, I feel embarrassed to be in your presence. I promise, if I have a job, I will make your grave clean and beautiful, I will fix this mom! I promise.”

I cried. I tell everything that I do for the past one year, and what secrets that I have been hiding from her. I cried and cried until my eyes are red and puffy.

It was so quiet and peaceful until I never want to leave her grave, I was alone. I am alone.

I apologize for everything that I have done, and the things that I can’t do to please her. I ask her to take me with her, I feel like I can’t continue moving forward without her by my side. I feel very hopeless…

It was 6pm, it’s getting dark. I get hold of myself and bid her goodbye.

“I have to go now mom, it’s getting dark. I hope I could meet you again, I Love You! And I’m Sorry…”With that I hold back my tears, smile and left.

And I never went back…